My Turning Point
At the outset of my ICE-EC cohort, I asked Simon Powers what he thought about me publishing the journal we are asked to keep for ourselves as a way to share with others what the experience of the cohort program is like. It was an idea he supported.
While I’ve been journaling for about a month now, this is the first post I’m sharing publicly. In this first post of my publicly-shared entries, I’ve given a lot of background and set the stage for future posts. If you make it to the end, I should probably add you to my list of people to thank because you’re a champ. Thank you for reading.
Today was a turning point
A few months ago, someone whom I admire and respect decimated me with a mountain of feedback. I questioned my identity: everything I am and have been for the past decade. It put me on a path (that I’m still on) of self-discovery and improvement during which I’ve accumulated many quotes, memes, and drawings — like the one below by Liz Fosslien that really hit home and sets the stage for today’s musings.
My life the past few months resembles that image on the right. I don’t think I’m at the “I did it” stage just yet, but I’m certainly climbing my way up.
Today during a call with my ICAgile Expert Coach (ICE-EC) cohort, I received some of my first glimmers of validation from objective 3rd parties who are neither established friends, former colleagues, nor people I’m paying to help me that I may actually be further up the other side of that trough than I thought.
Before today, I had allowed myself to believe I was a lost cause; in fact, I was told I was. And then today with some minor/subtle tweaks in how I show up, I engendered vastly different responses to what I have in the past: significantly better outcomes. A fellow cohort member even sent me a private message: “I love how you showed up. I’d like to learn that.”
Imagine that! The guy who doesn’t know how to show up has others admiring how he’s shown up. Given that it’s the end of the month, I can accurately say that comment made my month. Not only am I not incapable of changing, but I have changed and am capable of so much more. The only thing in my way is me, and I’m on my side to overcome myself, with plenty of support from others.
During today’s call, so many things began to tie together. I can see that the strength (as illustrated above by Liz Fosslien) I’ve mustered has helped me climb out of the hole. I can tell I’m not the only one who struggles, and I know that my working through my personal struggle is the work of the course for me: it’s what will allow me to exit the program a significantly better coach - nay, a better person.
How I got here
The feedback I received months ago is not new to me, but it was the most harsh and biting feedback that’s ever been given to me. The general sentiment is this: “It’s not what you do/know, it’s how you do/say it.”
I could have ignored the feedback, made excuses about why this time was different and therefore invalid in this case, or simply wallowed in self-pity down a devastating path. Instead, I took it as an opportunity to grow: I made a plan.
Hire expert help
Commit to learning about my blind spots and how to improve on them
Build alliances with team members who could hold me accountable and provide me a in-the-moment feedback to better understand the heretofore very generic, high-level feedback I’d been given.
Implementing my plan with gratitude for those who’ve helped
I have done all the things in my plan:
I hired an amazing woman who specializes in Emotional Intelligence coaching. (Hi, Teresa Quinlan, who I’m sure is reading this!)
I signed up for an ICAgile ICE-EC cohort with Simon Powers and Kevin Callahan though Adventures with Agile. (Simon helped me clear a couple of prerequisites and make space for me to attend, for which I am exceptionally grateful.)
I have sought advice, candid feedback, and insights from many former colleagues and personal. I am grateful for the time and thoughts many people have offered me: Steve Davis, Jeff Leach, George Schlitz, Troy Plant, Tom Westervelt, Chris Murman, Jorge Martin, Carrie Kovac, Lisa Popplewell, Eric O’Brien, Marty Bridges, Pete Anderson, Karen Beck, Matt Turner, David Ford, Janet Tierney, Tony Bonfante, Shayne Vacher-Moffeit, Cody Meche, and many others I’m sure I’m leaving off because there have been so many people willing to lend support.
I have shared where I’m struggling with peers and invited them to provide in-the-moment feedback if they notice behaviors that might upset/offend/rub-the-wrong-way others
I have been voraciously consuming books, podcasts, videos, articles, tweets, LinkedIn posts, and any and all content related to emotional intelligence I can get my hands on.
Some things I’ve learned so far:
With the help of Teresa, I’ve learned that my biggest emotional intelligence gap is in self-regard, specifically feelings of inferiority.
Some people interpret my feelings of inferiority or insecurity as exactly the opposite: being very confident and condescending - “intimidating” is a common one I get.
There’s this great exercise Simon does in his enterprise coaching bootcamp where everyone walks around as if they’re feeling 1) superior to, then 2) equal to, and finally 3) inferior to others in the room. Interestingly, the traits exhibited in scenarios 1 & 3 are dang-near identical (light bulb moment)
Common theme: people who know me well initially thought I was an aloof asshole…until they got to know me and figured out I was neither of those things
I’ve talked to other people who are absolutely amazing in how they interact with people and whom everyone loves; they have gone through exactly what I’m going through and learned the hard way
Even though I have made mistakes and may be far from perfect in some areas, I’m still valued and have value to offer
I ended with the last one for a reason: I didn’t feel that way right off the bat. I was terrified to share with people what I was going through for fear I’d be unhireable and I’d expose to everyone that I’m not capable of being a coach - as I was told was the case.
I let myself believe the worst about myself: what someone else told me was true. Through discovery and conversation, I’ve found that not only have others gone on this journey, it’s common. I let myself be cajoled into believing a fixed-mindset assessment about my capabilities when, in reality, we all have our edges and we can choose whether-or-not and how we smooth them.
Where am I heading:
Emily Dickinson wrote “Success is counted sweetest by those who ne’er succeed.” Well, I may have been kicked down and I may have for a long time been one who’s ne’er succeeded on this front, but I’m striving to succeed. I’m using the opportunity to learn, grow, and become a better Dan. I will count success sweetest.
I hope that I’m able to take my experience and help others because, now that my eyes have been opened, I see people all around me struggling with the same issues in different ways. These people aren’t getting the support they need to grow. They’re being labeled as problematic and passed over for promotions, fired, transferred to different teams, or generally diminished. Perhaps they’re tolerated because what they produce is so great, but they’re labeled as someone who has reached their peak.
What if these people aren’t problematic? What if they aren’t destined to be that way forever? What if all they need is a little love and someone to help them recognize how much happier they’d be and how much more they could contribute to the world if they made some small changes?
I want to help those people unlock their potential to contribute in ways that are exponentially more impactful than they do today. I want to help them get out of their own way and be happier. I believe everyone is capable.
I don’t know what “helping those people unlock their potential” looks like yet. For now, I’m writing about my experience and what I’m learning. In the future…
I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’d love to hear your stories. If you’re struggling, I’d love to be someone you can talk to - feel free to reach out. I’m by no means an expert, but perhaps we can learn and walk on a journey together.